![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
x_losficTitle: No Longer Hearing DINOSAURS!! (A Lot of (Pre)History Remix)
Original: No Longer Hearing Voices by the incomparable, above-rubiesaralias
Rating: PG-13 (Oh, no one even takes a coat off, it's sad, really.)
Author:x_los
Pairing/Characters: Five/Simm!Master
Summary: Action figure porn so deadly serious that, upon meeting it in an alley, a group of academics headed for an conference on the legacy of Max Weber paled, surrendered the field, turned around, walked home, resigned from their professorial positions and, the next day, while watching the Hills, applied for internships with Gawker. Action figure porn so unbelievably filthy that the compiler has received a salacious proposition/invitation to a quilting bee from zombie!Vladimir Nabokov, who happened to catch a glimpse of a photographic negative or three. Action figure porn that answers the irritating 'caw-kaw, caw-kaw!' noise that is the ceaseless cry of our generation for pure milk from the masectomied teat of Mother Nature--action figure porn WITH DINOSAURS!! * I said I'd do it. Where's your god now?
Original: No Longer Hearing Voices by the incomparable, above-rubies
araliasRating: PG-13 (Oh, no one even takes a coat off, it's sad, really.)
Author:
x_losPairing/Characters: Five/Simm!Master
Summary: Action figure porn so deadly serious that, upon meeting it in an alley, a group of academics headed for an conference on the legacy of Max Weber paled, surrendered the field, turned around, walked home, resigned from their professorial positions and, the next day, while watching the Hills, applied for internships with Gawker. Action figure porn so unbelievably filthy that the compiler has received a salacious proposition/invitation to a quilting bee from zombie!Vladimir Nabokov, who happened to catch a glimpse of a photographic negative or three. Action figure porn that answers the irritating 'caw-kaw, caw-kaw!' noise that is the ceaseless cry of our generation for pure milk from the masectomied teat of Mother Nature--action figure porn WITH DINOSAURS!! * I said I'd do it. Where's your god now?
Silurian Sexing!** Permian Pleasures! Cretaceous Cuddling!
The famous Doctor Smith, I presume,” he said, holding out his hand. “You have no idea how excited I am to meet you at last.’
“Oh, I don’t know, Master,” the Doctor said, smiling and shaking the offered hand. “I think I have a vague idea. You’re looking very young this time, and it seems I was right: no rubbish beard. It suits you. Do you mind if I come in?”
The Master grinned more broadly and stood aside to let him pass. “Please, Doctor: be my guest.”
Five: “I remember meeting my future self, something we both know Rassilon would never allow. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I think something has happened to the Time Lords, in your past and my future. Am I on the right lines?”
Master: "Well, Doctor, the absence of the Time Lords has left a vacuum in which the drums, which I've carried all my life but hardly noticed, beat on and on with nothing to dampen them. You may as well know, I hardly sleep except on the days you walk the Earth, when your comforting presence murmurs around my thoughts like a helicopter parent seeking validation from his nine year old."
Master: "Inside my head, the percussive emptiness of the nihilistic void plays upon the bongos of madness like it's Buckethead ."
Master: "It's as if there's an HE3 Kenmore Elite Super Capacity Electric Dryer Unit INSIDE MY VERY SOUL."
Five: "Don't worry, Master, I've a splendid idea as to how we might fill the cavernous, Downy-Soft emptiness the Time War has left in your sticky wicket of a psyche."
Master: "Look over there, Doctor!"
Five: "I've told you, after the time you promised me the cure for AIDS and when I looked back 'round you were handing that Salome woman a dirty burlap sack, and the four similar occasions after that, I'm never falling for that one again!"
Master: "No, really!"
Master: "It's a herd of dinosaurs!"
Five: "Blast, they've followed me from Earthshock! The TARDIS must have created a Time Corridor, and they've somehow followed me here."
Master: "Since when is that how TARDISes operate?"
Five: "I'm terribly sorry about the herd of dinosaurs eating your desk blotter, but could you see your way to getting on with this, please? This is the first fic I've ever been allowed to top anyone other than Turlough in, I'm rather excited."
Master: "Yes, I felt as much."
*Because I'm tragically late onaralias 's remix, have some Utter Crack whilst I actually finish writing. A narrative abuse of a good portion of the action figures I could find in the basement.
**No actual Silurians were sexed in the making of this post.
The famous Doctor Smith, I presume,” he said, holding out his hand. “You have no idea how excited I am to meet you at last.’
“Oh, I don’t know, Master,” the Doctor said, smiling and shaking the offered hand. “I think I have a vague idea. You’re looking very young this time, and it seems I was right: no rubbish beard. It suits you. Do you mind if I come in?”
The Master grinned more broadly and stood aside to let him pass. “Please, Doctor: be my guest.”
Five: “I remember meeting my future self, something we both know Rassilon would never allow. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I think something has happened to the Time Lords, in your past and my future. Am I on the right lines?”
Master: "Well, Doctor, the absence of the Time Lords has left a vacuum in which the drums, which I've carried all my life but hardly noticed, beat on and on with nothing to dampen them. You may as well know, I hardly sleep except on the days you walk the Earth, when your comforting presence murmurs around my thoughts like a helicopter parent seeking validation from his nine year old."
Master: "Inside my head, the percussive emptiness of the nihilistic void plays upon the bongos of madness like it's Buckethead ."
Master: "It's as if there's an HE3 Kenmore Elite Super Capacity Electric Dryer Unit INSIDE MY VERY SOUL."
Five: "Don't worry, Master, I've a splendid idea as to how we might fill the cavernous, Downy-Soft emptiness the Time War has left in your sticky wicket of a psyche."
Master: "Look over there, Doctor!"
Five: "I've told you, after the time you promised me the cure for AIDS and when I looked back 'round you were handing that Salome woman a dirty burlap sack, and the four similar occasions after that, I'm never falling for that one again!"
Master: "No, really!"
Master: "It's a herd of dinosaurs!"
Five: "Blast, they've followed me from Earthshock! The TARDIS must have created a Time Corridor, and they've somehow followed me here."
Master: "Since when is that how TARDISes operate?"
Five: "I'm terribly sorry about the herd of dinosaurs eating your desk blotter, but could you see your way to getting on with this, please? This is the first fic I've ever been allowed to top anyone other than Turlough in, I'm rather excited."
Master: "Yes, I felt as much."
Master: "It's a shame I need you to fuck the pain away--I quote the Teaches of Peaches, Doctor--"
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "because under any normal circumstances, say, if I had any sort of beard, I'd be salivating at the chance to get a piece of this regeneration's scrumptious ass--"
Five: "Hold on, Master, I'm coming to rescue you!"
Master: "Oh, like you rescued Logopolis?"
Five: "..."
Master: "Or maybe like you saved any living being other than your Ginger Snaps in Warriors of the Deep?"
Five: ".........."
Master: "Possibly like you saved Adric?"
Five: "!!!"
Master: "OR LIKE YOU SAVED THE SODDING DINOSAURS?!"
Five: "I'll save you provided you SHUT UP!"
*three serials later (if your action figure porn utilizes characters from three-era or earlier, please add at least four serials to this estimate, to allow for running around aimlessly, escaping and getting recaptured, Liz Shaw looking bored, Pertwee indulging his hard on for various modes of transportation, and/or Troughton/Frazer Hines snuggling)*
Master: "My god Doctor, from the way you defenestrated it with that cricket ball, you'd never have thought a Rajasaurus was about 25 to 30 feet (7.6 to 9 meters) long, about 8 feet (2.4 meters) tall, and weighed about 3 to 4 tons!"
Five: "Did you actually look up the dinosaur masticating you on your iphone whilst you were waiting around in its mouth, hoping I'd come to your aid before the battery died?"
Master: "Dinosaurjungle.com, my dear Doctor."
Five: "...you aren't stroking my hair with weird obsessive fondness under the deluded impression that I won't know you're doing it, are you? Because floppy as it may seem, I should point out that it is still connected to my scalp."
Master: "If you're going to roast me in the volcanic gasses of Sarn about it--"
Five: "What?"
Master: "--then I will find my OWN Carcharodontosaurus to ride back to the Ministry of Defense!
Five: "Fine, Bessie and I--"
Master: "You've named your pachycephalosaurs Bessie?"
*back at the Ministry of Defense*
Master: "Where were we?"
Five: "Before you nettled me about my less successful exploits? For some reason I'm finding it difficult to remember."
Master: "Oh come now, Doctor. I was merely playing Love Games--I quote Old Greg, Doctor--"
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "--and perhaps also Lady GaGa."
Five: "Remember how I was disinterested in making love to you a moment ago?"
Master: "I recall a transparent lie to that effect."
Five: "If possible, I am even less interested in intercourse after you've admitted to having the musical equivalent of an STI."
Master: "I'll let you wear protective headphones, baby. As I was saying about Love Games before you rudely interrupted me, our passion is wild and animalistic, like DINOSAURS!!"
Master: "If we fight like animals, we shag like animals! If we shag like animals, we argue over the niceties of temporal physics like animals! We move in together and decide on a mutually agreeable decorative scheme like animals! We take our tea differently and mock each other about it with gentle, accustomed fondness like animals! We retire to a lovely gated community outside the Panopticon where we can grow old(er) and even more cantankerous together like animals, and then WE DIE LIKE ANIMALS!!
Five: "Something like if you give a moose a muffin?"
Master: "Why, Doctor--was that a proposition? I sincerely hope you're not bluffin' with your muffin..."
Five: "I know that previous to this you've eliminated a third of the universe, but that--that is unforgivable, Master. Besides, surely you understand that I'm--"
Master: "Like a bird, and only fly away?"
Five: "I was going to say free and unbridled, untamable, like wild horses!"
Master: "Nonsense! Really you're a pet that needs its Master."
Five: "Proud. Noble. Stallion."
Master: "Fine, I accept that this is a one-night engagement. But see if I don't get my own way in a few months and/or five regenerations."
Five: "Yes, let's not spoil our brief time together. After all, we've wasted a good hour riding various dinosaurs instead of each other. I'll even disrobe this time--"
Five: "PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE BEEN PLAYING A TRULY ASTOUNDING AMOUNT OF CRICKET!"
Master: "Doctor, you are not He Man, Prince of Eternia."
Five: "Shh, Master. Though my limbs are hyper-articulate, my coat is non-detachable."
*fade to black*
Five: "This black reminds me, there's some where we should be headed in the original--the Mindscape!"
Master: "Mindscape!"
Five: "Mindscape!"
Doctor Sigmund Freud: "It's only a mental model..."
Master: "On second thought, let's not plunge into your psyche to find the section that houses your memories of the novel Pamela. It is a silly place."
Five: "Farewell, Master! We'll always have your desk and several reptiles!"
Master: "Au revoir, Doctor."
Rajasaurus: "RAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!"
*fin*
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "because under any normal circumstances, say, if I had any sort of beard, I'd be salivating at the chance to get a piece of this regeneration's scrumptious ass--"
Five: "Hold on, Master, I'm coming to rescue you!"
Master: "Oh, like you rescued Logopolis?"
Five: "..."
Master: "Or maybe like you saved any living being other than your Ginger Snaps in Warriors of the Deep?"
Five: ".........."
Master: "Possibly like you saved Adric?"
Five: "!!!"
Master: "OR LIKE YOU SAVED THE SODDING DINOSAURS?!"
Five: "I'll save you provided you SHUT UP!"
*three serials later (if your action figure porn utilizes characters from three-era or earlier, please add at least four serials to this estimate, to allow for running around aimlessly, escaping and getting recaptured, Liz Shaw looking bored, Pertwee indulging his hard on for various modes of transportation, and/or Troughton/Frazer Hines snuggling)*
Master: "My god Doctor, from the way you defenestrated it with that cricket ball, you'd never have thought a Rajasaurus was about 25 to 30 feet (7.6 to 9 meters) long, about 8 feet (2.4 meters) tall, and weighed about 3 to 4 tons!"
Five: "Did you actually look up the dinosaur masticating you on your iphone whilst you were waiting around in its mouth, hoping I'd come to your aid before the battery died?"
Master: "Dinosaurjungle.com, my dear Doctor."
Five: "...you aren't stroking my hair with weird obsessive fondness under the deluded impression that I won't know you're doing it, are you? Because floppy as it may seem, I should point out that it is still connected to my scalp."
Master: "If you're going to roast me in the volcanic gasses of Sarn about it--"
Five: "What?"
Master: "--then I will find my OWN Carcharodontosaurus to ride back to the Ministry of Defense!
Five: "Fine, Bessie and I--"
Master: "You've named your pachycephalosaurs Bessie?"
*back at the Ministry of Defense*
Master: "Where were we?"
Five: "Before you nettled me about my less successful exploits? For some reason I'm finding it difficult to remember."
Master: "Oh come now, Doctor. I was merely playing Love Games--I quote Old Greg, Doctor--"
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "--and perhaps also Lady GaGa."
Five: "Remember how I was disinterested in making love to you a moment ago?"
Master: "I recall a transparent lie to that effect."
Five: "If possible, I am even less interested in intercourse after you've admitted to having the musical equivalent of an STI."
Master: "I'll let you wear protective headphones, baby. As I was saying about Love Games before you rudely interrupted me, our passion is wild and animalistic, like DINOSAURS!!"
Master: "If we fight like animals, we shag like animals! If we shag like animals, we argue over the niceties of temporal physics like animals! We move in together and decide on a mutually agreeable decorative scheme like animals! We take our tea differently and mock each other about it with gentle, accustomed fondness like animals! We retire to a lovely gated community outside the Panopticon where we can grow old(er) and even more cantankerous together like animals, and then WE DIE LIKE ANIMALS!!
Five: "Something like if you give a moose a muffin?"
Master: "Why, Doctor--was that a proposition? I sincerely hope you're not bluffin' with your muffin..."
Five: "I know that previous to this you've eliminated a third of the universe, but that--that is unforgivable, Master. Besides, surely you understand that I'm--"
Master: "Like a bird, and only fly away?"
Five: "I was going to say free and unbridled, untamable, like wild horses!"
Master: "Nonsense! Really you're a pet that needs its Master."
Five: "Proud. Noble. Stallion."
Master: "Fine, I accept that this is a one-night engagement. But see if I don't get my own way in a few months and/or five regenerations."
Five: "Yes, let's not spoil our brief time together. After all, we've wasted a good hour riding various dinosaurs instead of each other. I'll even disrobe this time--"
Five: "PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE BEEN PLAYING A TRULY ASTOUNDING AMOUNT OF CRICKET!"
Master: "Doctor, you are not He Man, Prince of Eternia."
Five: "Shh, Master. Though my limbs are hyper-articulate, my coat is non-detachable."
*fade to black*
Five: "This black reminds me, there's some where we should be headed in the original--the Mindscape!"
Master: "Mindscape!"
Five: "Mindscape!"
Doctor Sigmund Freud: "It's only a mental model..."
Master: "On second thought, let's not plunge into your psyche to find the section that houses your memories of the novel Pamela. It is a silly place."
Five: "Farewell, Master! We'll always have your desk and several reptiles!"
Master: "Au revoir, Doctor."
Rajasaurus: "RAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!"
*fin*
*Because I'm tragically late on
aralias 's remix, have some Utter Crack whilst I actually finish writing. A narrative abuse of a good portion of the action figures I could find in the basement. **No actual Silurians were sexed in the making of this post.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 06:09 am (UTC)The fic itself, however, is hilarious, overwrought and parodic. Well done!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 06:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 03:52 pm (UTC)I can see everything and THIS time I noticed the Python reference and hurt myself laughing.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 08:04 am (UTC)Also: "But see if I don't get my own way in a few months and/or five regenerations." Trufax and we all know it!
I could go on and on about what I like but I'm limiting myself to this: XD
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 08:37 am (UTC)freud is the best bit. i admit, i was dubious, but it's true.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 08:40 am (UTC)**No actual Silurians were sexed in the making of this post.
Quel dommage.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 09:39 am (UTC)The best part was ALL OF IT. But I completely lost it at the picture accompanying "TOUCHE, RAJASAURUS. TOUCHE." And then couldn't stop laughing from there.
Now I've got that Peaches song stuck playing in my head now GODDAMN YOU.
Like You Wanted Me, Calling Me All the Time, Like Blondy, Check Out My Chrissy Behind...
Date: 2009-10-15 08:42 pm (UTC)Man, when do we get Delgado and Ainley action figures?
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 10:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 01:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 01:58 pm (UTC)This is a work of beauty. I especially love the Master in the dryer, but am not sure why.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:33 pm (UTC)Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 02:12 pm (UTC)If I weren't so selfishly overjoyed by the hilarity, I might be concerned about you. XD
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:48 pm (UTC)"Harry, perhaps there's more to Professor Lupin than meets the eye!"
"We discovered Lupin was lupine last year. Unless he's schtupping Anna Nicole Smith, has joined PETA, or is schtupping Anna Nicole Smith /at/ PETA meetings /while/ in werewolf form as confused members throw paint on him--"
“Lupin could be a robot!”
“…a robot, Hermione?”
“A robot /in disguise!/”
“Oh for—“
“You’ve been insisting Draco’s a Decepticon all semester!”
“That was different!”
“And Snape was Megatron--”
“I was /tripping/, Hermione! God, I’m never using Neville as my dealer again. ‘I can get into the Herbology greenhouse /indeed/.”
Snape isn't a Deception, but I would watch out for those brooms.
Date: 2009-10-15 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 03:18 pm (UTC)I would try to write something sensible but then He-Man killed all the coherence I had left, and Sigmund Freud had a hand in that too, I'm sure.
You go, lady! Just what I needed.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:49 pm (UTC)Thanks, glad you liked. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 05:57 pm (UTC)ahaha
Date: 2009-10-16 09:24 am (UTC)Re: ahaha
Date: 2009-10-16 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 09:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 12:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 12:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 12:45 pm (UTC)That's when I lost it. My dinosaur lovin' icon salutes you.
P.S. Why-for the Lady hate?
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 12:52 pm (UTC)Glad you liked. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 10:03 pm (UTC)BTW, thank you deeply for using my favorite word (defenestrated) in this story.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 02:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 02:59 pm (UTC)And the Three action figure's expense matters NOT, FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 03:04 pm (UTC)And when a real one comes out, you can pit both of them against each other in an epic threesome with at least one doctor and possibly more dinosaurs.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 03:08 pm (UTC)It may not come out, actually, Katy tells me they're thinking of discontinuing the whole line b/c it's just not selling. I'm a bit surprised at this? Perhaps it's the expense: if 15 pounds for smegging blue coat six is too much, than 30 odd pounds for three is ludicrous. I know it's high to cover the molding/set production costs b/c they're not selling, but perhaps if they dropped the price, more would sell?
Mm, but surely dinos are done now. And this is, after all, one-off crack from beyond the depths of R'lyeh.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 03:10 pm (UTC)And oh, gods, they're epically failing at the Costing game. Even I at 14 and one year into Economics could beat them...
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 03:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 03:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 09:30 pm (UTC)http://www.urban-collector.com/mar080076.html
no subject
Date: 2009-10-17 06:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 07:33 pm (UTC)And you have an action figure of what appears to be Sigmund Freud (and an amount of horsies I would have been very jealous of, once upon a time.) The best (visual) moment, though, was He-Man. No lover, upon disrobing, should ever look like He-Man.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-16 09:33 pm (UTC)Turns out the only action figures I personally own are Five, Simm, Freud and Mozart? Was this like, an Amadeus the film thing, 17 year old Erin?
Ah, but I had to sub in no less than three zebras...
And I believe you are mistaken! Naturally you mean to say "EVERY lover, upon disrobing, should ALWAYS look like He-Man. Especially women."
no subject
Date: 2009-10-26 02:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-26 03:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-28 07:48 am (UTC)And that's when I lost it and had to put down the cup of milk I was drinking before my laptop got a good-for-the-complexion-bad-for-the-electronics milky bath. And I was not able to lift that cup to my lips again from there to the end. Most especially not when Five becomes He-Man.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-14 02:10 am (UTC)If Five is He-Man, Turlough is his wavering, cowardly ginger tiger-thing.